Is my Choice to Homeschool the Right Choice?
I have always made the choice to homeschool my children. Neither one of them have ever been inside a classroom. Bear Bear expressed some curiosity about what school was like. I thought that she could visit for a day so I called the school and set up her visit. She was so excited to get dressed, pack her bag, get a lunch. It was easy to catch her excitement, but it struck a note of fear in this mama’s heart. I think that I had as many butterflies as she did.
On this morning, the first day of spring, we had over an inch of new snow sitting on the ground. She brought her coat, hat, and mittens, but we didn’t think she needed her snowpants or her boots. I decided to come back later to bring them so that she could play on the playground.
She wanted me to take a picture of her in front of the school, and then we went inside. We weren’t sure at first where to go, but a minute later her teacher came out and introduced herself. She brought us to her classroom and told Bear Bear that everyone was excited to see her. Her teacher then showed her the locker she could use for the day. I felt a sense of relief then, knowing that my little girl was in good hands.
When I left, she gave me three hugs, and it was so hard to walk out. I was turning her over to another teacher for the first time, and it scared me a little bit.
After I dropped her off I went to grandma’s house and talked to her for a little while. Grandma has always believed that I was wrong to homeschool my kids, because she believes that they need the socialization and structure of school. That is a whole other argument for another time, but I think that she was excited that Bear Bear went to school, and she hopes that Bear Bear will go to school full time next year.
When I left there, I brought Bear Bear’s snowpants and boots back to school and the teacher told me that she was having a good time and she had already gotten a tour of the school from one of her classmates. I was happy to hear that things were going well, but I have to admit that I was kind of hoping that she wouldn’t like it so that she will want to stay home.
But it got me thinking. What if Bear Bear does want to go to school full time? Is she missing out on a lot of good things that she doesn’t get from being homeschooled? She has a lot of good friends, but she doesn’t get to see them every day. I’ve always felt a little selfish making the choice to homeschool. Would I be willing to let her go if she really wanted to? Right now my heart rebels. I want to be the one to teach her, and I don’t want to miss any part of her life.
For one day she had made the decision to go to school, and that day was probably one of the hardest ones of my life. I couldn’t think of anything else. I cried for a little while as well, feeling sad because I would miss out on so much of her life if she went away from me. But I was also crying because I realized that if she needed to go to school, then I would allow her to do it. Right now, though, the fear of our relationship changing and her pulling away from me tore my heart strings.
She decided last night that she didn’t really want to go to school. I can’t tell you how much this mama’s heart filled with relief. At the same time, I tried not to show how relieved I felt. I asked her what we could do to help give her some of the things that she wanted from school. She mentioned a few things to me, now it is my job to make some of that happen for her.
It’s so easy to second guess the educational decisions that I make for my children. I am so confident that God has called me to homeschool my children, but in that one day I kept asking myself if my choice to homeschool was the right one for Bear Bear. It was another lesson in learning how to trust the Lord, and that if she decided that she did want to go to school, He would give me the strength to allow her to do it.
