Love Must Let Go – part 1

                            Love Must Let Go

Those are the four hardest words that I have ever had to transfer from my head to my heart. And I question myself often to make sure that I am not holding on to those I love too tightly.

In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve and gave them a choice. He allowed them to choose to love Him or not to love Him. Love is not love if there is no choice not to love.

Growing up, I was quiet and shy and I didn’t make friends easily. I desperately wanted to have friends and be popular, but it never happened. The few friends that I had were on the outside just like me. I attended a small Christian school, and I was liked by everybody, but noticed by few. My worst memory of school is of my best friend not talking to me for days for reasons I was not aware of at the time. She told me later that it was because she thought that I was mean to someone else.

For those few days, my entire focus was to figure out how to win her back. I so desperately wanted to make her like me again. I’m not sure how it happened, but after a few days she just started being my friend again. The rest of my junior high career was spent making sure that she never rejected me again.

After I graduated from college, I got married to a man that I had met my junior year. He was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. Before our wedding, someone asked me if I could live without him. I honestly replied that I couldn’t. She responded by telling me not to marry him. Her advice was spot on. We were married for seven years, separating three times before we were finally divorced.

During the seven years of my first marriage, my focus was on making myself what I thought he wanted me to be. I didn’t want to lose him. When he told me that he was leaving, I sobbed, begging him to love me, and I tried to hold on to him with all my might. All I succeeded in doing was pushing him farther away.

For five years, I tried to find somebody who would love me. I had a few starts, but nothing came of them. I felt unloved and extremely unlovable. Dating websites were just taking off, and I became obsessed with finding someone. Each day I couldn’t wait to get home and see if I had any messages. If I did I would respond immediately, and if I didn’t I would wonder what was wrong and try to figure out a way to get someone to respond to me. Any prospect that I found became the focus of my entire life. I applied too much pressure to any budding relationship.

After those five years, I finally let go. I sincerely prayed and told the Lord that I would wait, and I would even surrender to being single. Forgiveness blossomed in my heart toward my ex-husband, and I let the Lord take over my love life completely.

A couple of months later, an uncle of one of my students asked me out. We met and married within 5 months, and now we have our two beautiful children. One of my friends had told me a while before I met him that I needed to wait until I found someone who would love me for who I am. My husband and I wonder in amazement, even eleven years later, how God brought us together. We are both perfect for each other, and we fit well together.

However, I still ask myself often if I can live without him. I believe that I can honestly say yes. It would break my heart, but I know that the Lord would see me through if something would happen to him.

I regret getting married the first time and our subsequent divorce. But I am not so sure that if I had a chance to change it that I would. My divorce was the greatest heartbreak that I have had to this day, but I have also learned so much. I have learned to trust the Lord, to let go and give Him control of my days. He will hold me up, no matter how lonely or heartbroken I am. He never left me on those days when I could hardly get out of bed.

Have I arrived at the point where it’s easy to let go? Not by a long shot. Now I am in the process of learning how to let go of my children. I remind myself daily that they are not me, that they are individuals with their own personalities, dreams, and goals. They will go off on their own someday to live their own lives. Thankfully I still have a few years with them, years that I need to take advantage of to guide them toward the life that God has for them.

However, I am always aware that God could call me home at any time. I am still trying to tell myself that I am not indispensable. He gave my children to me for a reason, but ultimately they are His. Letting them go and entrusting them to His hands is the hard lesson that I am trying to learn now. But I know that if I truly love my children, I must let them go, holding on to them with open hands. 

How about you? Where are you struggling to let go of someone or something that you love?