To be a Mom

Last night Bear Bear came with me to get our traditional Saturday night pizza and she asked me this question, “Mom, what is it like to be a mom?”  That is an overwhelming question and at first it made me laugh.  Sometimes the depth of her questions amazes me.  Every once in a while she asks me what it feels like to be me, just because she wants to know what it is like to be other people.  

I Knew What I Wanted Early On

When I was a child, there were two things that I wanted to be:  a teacher and a mom.  Those two things have been my goal since I was nine years old.  In ninth grade I chose to teach elementary school because I struggled with algebra and knew that I wouldn’t have to know algebra to teach second grade.  In high school, I focused on a college track knowing that I was going to study elementary education.  I worked in day care to practice working with children, and I made a lot of money babysitting.

In college I took all of the necessary education courses in order to become a teacher, created my resume, and went on the search for a job.  I describe my teaching career as speckled.  I have taught in 5 different Christian schools, and only two have I left voluntarily.  Throughout my teaching career I have been told that I really didn’t know what kids were like because I did not have children of my own.  I have been accused of staying up nights to figure out ways of picking on my students.  One principal told me I was an excellent teacher, another one told me that I was unorganized and couldn’t keep control.  I left teaching when Superstuffy was 5 months old, and there is nothing now that will ever entice me to go back to the classroom.  

As a teacher, I loved my students, and I spent most of my time trying to figure out how to teach them better.  But when I had my own children, I realized that nothing compares to a mother’s love,  and I would give my life to keep them safe.  Experiencing the love that I had for Superstuffy also gave me my first glimpse of how God really loves me.

Everyone Moms Differently, but There are Things We All Share

I know that everyone’s experience is different, but there are things that we all share. When I was first pregnant, I felt a connection to Superstuffy, and I loved him even before I even knew he really existed.  During the summer before he was born, I watched a tv show all about giving birth and yearned for his birthday.  I experienced love, anxiety, and fear all at the same time.

After his birth, those feelings intensified, but frustration entered as well.  My heart overflowed with love, but fear overwhelmed me as well, because this new little life was my responsibility.  What if I messed him up?  Frustration also warred with the love in my heart because I lost so much sleep and in those times when he constantly cried I didn’t know how to help him.  

The first two years of his life we spent all of our time together.  We played, danced, went everywhere together and learned about each other.  Looking back on those two years from this perspective, they seemed very quiet and peaceful.  When Bear Bear was born, the family dynamic changed drastically.  

Loving Each Child with Your Whole Heart

Some people may wonder how you can love one child with everything that you are and yet love another child with the same intensity.  I did not understand before Bear Bear joined our family, but now I do.  However, I think that it is impossible to describe the love that I have for each of my children.  I love both of them with all of my heart, and yet at the same time, the love that I have for each of them is different.  

God gave me two lives to raise and protect.  Fear continued to war with my love.  I wanted to know how to raise them in the love of the Lord, avoiding any mistakes so that they will be wonderful children.  I was so afraid of breaking them and damaging their spirits. My ultimate fear continues to be that they would turn away from the Lord.

But here I had these two beautiful babies.  They cuddled and laughed.  Their smiles were infectious, and watching them grow filled me with tremendous joy.   Their lives were the most perfect gift I have ever received.  But it was so easy to credit my good parenting skills when they were good, and blame myself horribly when they messed up.  I operated under the belief that whoever they became ultimately rested on my shoulders.  

I Became a Teacher in Addition to a Mom

When Superstuffy reached school age, the responsibility I felt to these two little lives only intensified.  Not only was I mom, but I now became teacher.  I claimed the responsibility of teaching them how to learn.  Their entire education rests on my shoulders.  For all of those moms who homeschool, you know the pressure that puts on a mom.  For those perfectionistic mamas like me, we create immense pressure on ourselves. As I have already given you a glimpse in previous posts, my first years of homeschooling have been years of trial and error.  Every time I think that I have finally found the perfect solution, I uncover different problems.  If I allow them to, those problems tend to overwhelm my joy.  

Because of my need for lists and plans, frustration comes easily when my children interrupt my plans for the day.  Being an introvert, I need to recharge by being alone and being quiet. However, with my two children with me constantly, I very seldom get that time.  My to do list only gets longer, with almost no time to even work on it.  Sometimes I feel like I lose who I am in being a mom.

What is it Like to be a Mom?

I hope that I am finally starting to learn the answer to this question.  If I had to boil it down to two words, I would say self-sacrifice and grace.  The Lord did not give me children just to satisfy my desire for them, but to demonstrate His love and His grace.  

I am learning that not only did He give me this high calling to raise these children, He will give me the strength to perform this calling.  I don’t need to become a better mom in order to raise my children.  It has absolutely nothing to do with my abilities.  

Being a mom involves Surrender

In order to be the mom that He created me to be, I need to give up.  I need to give up my wants and desires, my plans and my goals, even my needs.  My need to be in control, my desire to blog, to crochet, my need to recharge, all of it needs to be surrendered to the One who loves me beyond anything that I can imagine.  In giving up my agenda I am allowing Him to work through me to accomplish His will.  In giving up myself, I am allowing God’s blessing to pour through me onto my children.  Since He loves them and knows them even better than I do, it will be His absolute best for them.  

And since He knows me, He knows what I need and desire better than I do.  He will supply all of my needs.  In His Word He promises: 

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.     

Philippians 4:19

  Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

The generous soul will be made rich, 

And he who waters will also be watered himself.  

Proverbs 11:25

As I let God work through me, I will be refreshed – If I give up myself, even my wants and my needs, He will supply everything that I need.  All it takes is trust.

I would love to know more about your experiences as a mom.  Feel free to comment down below, or you can join my email list by emailing me at melanie@my2babysmama.com.  I would love to hear from you!